Locus of Control Series – Part 6: Taking Control of Your Life

Your Reality – Your Personal Needs & Wants, Personal Values & Standards

 

We are resuming this newsletter from last month, continuing our Locus of Control discussion – Internal and External – and how that affects you.

For a quick overview, when you operate from the Internal Locus, you are taking complete control of your life.  Note: this does not mean the life of anyone else!  This means you work with yourself only and don’t try to change others – you have no rules for other people in relationships – just your own healthy boundaries.  You only control what is controllable – yourself, your emotions, your time, money, energy, your health (to a certain degree), etc.   And, you don’t waste your time or your energy in trying to control or change events outside of your influence.

Last month we covered more in depth: Living In Your Reality and Inviting Others You’re your Reality, including:

  1. Living in your reality is about creating your desired reality vs. living in others reality.
    • Things to be aware of when you invite others into your reality
  1. People will always test/challenge it, so you need to be clear
    • You must have strong healthy boundaries that you maintain with goodwill and grace – its not about offending or pleasing anyone else, but rather about maintaining the environment that will ensure your success
  1. We covered guidelines for inviting and including others in your positive reality, including
    • Never ever let anyone make decisions for you
    • Determine ahead of time what behavior you will and will not accept from others
    • Don’t let anyone mistreat you – and, you determine the guidelines for what qualifies as mistreatment, including areas of communication styles, life-style choices, core values, how you define respect and disrespect, etc.
    • Men and women will approach these guidelines differently
  1. We also discussed how to handle the situations when someone crosses these guidelines

This month we are looking at:

    1. Your Needs and Wants
    2. Personal Cored Values
    3. Standards

YOUR NEEDS & WANTS

When you are operating from the place of Internal Locus of Control, it automatically places your needs and wants as a priority.  This is due to the fact that you are aware that you are the only one responsible for your life and consequently are responsible for your own happiness, attainted by meeting your needs and wants.

We live in a world where we are not taught how to prioritize our own needs in a healthy and constructive way.  Many people are shy, and even paralyzed by their fear, when it comes to putting themselves first, often intimidated by what others will think.  Which results in passive aggressive behavior, and hinders them from going for what they really want.  They worry that others will judge them as needy, greedy, arrogant, selfish – any number of things – showing disapproval.  And are fearful of inconveniencing other people by asking for what they really want.  While it is just the opposite – the people who go after what they desire and ask for what they want are regarded as powerful and having clarity.  And it is these very people who generally always get their needs met – especially when they have learned to accomplish this with tact and grace.

It is important that you never feel guilty for putting your needs first.  The best example of this is when we fly – we are required to put the oxygen mask first on ourselves before we assist others – in other words – meet our own needs first.  This results in the best chance of survival for everyone.  And the same applies to each of us in our individual lives.  To be as effective as possible, we must take care of our needs and wants first.  Why?  Very simply because we cannot give to others what we don’t already have.  Again, this can be done with kindness to ourselves as well as others.

When we are talking about getting our needs met effectively there are a several things we must know:

  • 1st, we need to know what our needs are
  • 2nd, we need to know why we have these needs
  • 3rd, we need to know how to proceed in meeting them

In order to do the above, it is important to take a look at your personal values.

PERSONAL CORE VALUES

Your values define what is most important and most “valuable” to you in your life.  They help determine how you prioritize your decisions, including your time, money and energy, by pointing out what you believe in and stand for.

Your individual standards are based on your personal values and impact/inform your ideas, thoughts, plans, actions, and behaviors.

For example, if you value integrity, you most likely believe in being reliable and honest, and feel that it is important to speak truthfully.  When you don’t speak up, you tend to feel disappointed in yourself as well as somewhat compromised.  Because you value integrity, one of your personal standards might be to never lie, even if it could possibly cause short-term discomfort or the truth could really be hurtful to someone.

A key to living a fulfilling life is to know and honor your personal core values.  These values and standards are so important that they are reflected in the quality of all aspects of your life professionally and personally – including your relationships, your communication, and your work/career.

Some values and standards are internal and others are external.  The external values and standards are imposed on us from sources outside of us.  Because of these external values and standards, when you are not meeting and fulfilling your own needs, you will tend to experience life as unfulfilled, complicated, hard, even an ongoing struggle.

When we deviate from our personal core values, we tend to feel dissatisfied with ourselves.  And from that place we tend to make decisions that we regret, because the decisions were not based on our true core values.  Once you map out your core values, you will find what you believe in and stand for, and then it will be easier to meet your needs because you have healthy pride in doing that.  As opposed to feeling guilty or bad for attempting to put yourself first and meet your needs.

On our Zoom Meeting Call next Wednesday we will do an exercise to assist in finding your Personal Core Values.  To prepare for this, please ask yourself the following questions:

  1. What do you place importance on in your life?  And why?
  2. What behaviors in others, or stories tend to be the most inspiring to you?  And why?
  3. Among your accomplishments, in both your personal and professional areas, what things are you most proud of?  And why?
  4. What are examples of behaviors that make you sad (or angry)?  And why?

STANDARDS

Now I want you to think about the standards that you currently live by, and I have a couple of questions for you:

  1. Are they your own standards, or set by someone else?
  2. Now that you’ve identified your core values, do you genuinely feel like you are living up to your core values?

There’s a good chance that some, if not many, of your current standards, are from outside sources.  And there would be a good chance that they are not aligned with your core values!  In other words, your daily behavior and decisions may be influenced by someone else’s core values – the media, family members, work, movies and music – from anyone and anything in our society that you are hearing and listening to.  It is important that you are aware of this and acknowledge it.

Some of these standards may be counterproductive or even detrimental to your desires and life purpose.  With this in mind, its time to take a deep look at the personal standards you’ve set for yourself, and figure out which ones are and are not serving your best interest.  From this place you can start making adjustments, erasing the ones that do not support you.

The standards you create will direct your life towards what you what to achieve.  Because personal standards are personal, this requires looking deep within to understand what really drives you, what you stand for, what your principles and beliefs are – in all areas of your life.  Getting to these takes time.  It can’t be done in one sitting, or even in a day.  It is an exercise that you need to take your time with.  Once you have your standards outlined, then live with them for a while and feel free to continue to adjust them – gaining deeper insight into what truly drives you.

When your high standards are set, you must stay on top of them in order to feel fulfilled and successful.  For many people, this can be where things begin to get difficult, and it becomes seductive just to give up, rather than stick with your inner fire and what truly drives you.  Because so many people are unclear about their core values, they settle for the easiest path, or the newest fad.

Next month we will dive deeper into assisting you with working on your standards, how to effectively implement and live with them, as well as cover healthy boundaries that will help you maintain your standards.

MY INVITATION TO YOU

This month as we enter 2022, I’m inviting you to step into your new year more aware of your Personal Core Values and the Standards that are driving them.  I would love to hear from you about the changes this awareness is making in your life.

I am holding you in my heart.

Verla Wade – The Living Light Foundation

Locus of Control Series – Part 5: Taking Control of Your Life

Your Reality –Living In It and Inviting Others In 

We are resuming this newsletter from last month, continuing the Locus of Control discussion – Internal and External – and how that affects you.

For a quick overview, when you operate from the Internal Locus, you are taking complete control of your life.  Note: this does not mean the life of anyone else!  This means you work with yourself only and don’t try to change others – you have no rules for other people in relationships – just your own healthy boundaries.  You only control what is controllable – yourself, your emotions, your time, money, energy, your health (to a certain degree), etc.   And, you don’t waste your time or your energy in trying to control or change events outside of your influence.

Last month we covered more in depth: Creating Your Reality and the 7 Keys to do this including:

  1. Following the 3 Steps
  1. Identify your thoughts distinguishing between the positive and negative ones
  2. Use positive self-talk to keep yourself constantly self-motivated
  3. Apply the 1st two steps above consistently to create your positive sustainable reality.
  1. Stay conscious of what your mind is thinking and keep it positive
  2. Pay close attention to your self-talk as you live life large
  3. Identify negative thoughts as they arise, release, and find the silver lining – focusing on what you can be grateful for
  4. Investigate the negativity around you and minimize it
  5. Live in the now
  6. Use personalized positive self-affirmations

This month we are looking at:

  1. Living in Your Reality
  2. Inviting Others Into Your Reality

LIVING IN YOUR REALITY

Living in your reality is not about observing the reality of those around you, accepting it, and then adjusting yourself to fit in.  It is about you creating your own vital unique reality, based on your beliefs and your personal destiny.  Beware: If you don’t create your own desired reality, you will automatically be drawn into the reality of others!

How this works in your favor for example in our current fear/drama driven environment: when someone is being negative, you hold firm to who you are and turn their drama/negativity into something positive, perhaps even light-hearted.  In other words, you turn negative emotions into positive emotions, and then the other person is drawn into your reality.  Revisiting October’s article, this is a whole new flavor on true healthy dominance in your own life.

As we have referenced many times now, successful productive people have an internal locus of control.  They achieve what they set their minds and hearts to, and without a doubt they believe they can do that.  In fact, their hold on their own reality is so strong that it is just not an option to do anything else.  That’s how strong their reality is!


When you have a positive, constructive mindset, you view the world around you differently.  For instance, with this kind of a mindset, when you don’t achieve right away what you are desiring, then you don’t view your results as failures or rejections.  Rather, they are just setbacks that provide the necessary data that needs to be optimized to give you an opportunity to adjust, tweak and improve your approach or technique so that you will be able to enhance your chances of success.  This is how a proactive, healthy mindset works.

INVITING OTHERS INTO YOUR REALITY

There are several things to be aware of when you invite others into your reality.

1st, people will always test your reality.  Some people view it as a power struggle; I like to view it as healthy structural tension.  Either way, you must have clarity and a firm grip on your own reality.  Generally speaking, the people who challenge it are people who do not have a firm reality of their own, and neither do they understand their life purpose, nor do they have a clear picture of who they are.  And it’s always easier to challenge someone else as the core cause of what’s awry in our own lives, than it is to look at ourselves!

2nd, you must have healthy boundaries that do not allow people to impinge on your reality or cause you to doubt it.  And then you must be willing to maintain these boundaries, teaching people to respect both you and your boundaries.  You can do this with graceful goodwill, albeit, you have to be firm about this at all times.

Here are a few guidelines for pulling people into your positive reality:

  1. Don’t let anyone make decisions for you.  Ever.  You may be wise to consider the opinions of people who you respect.  And, in the end, make all decisions for yourself.  It’s your life and you are the one who in the end lives and deals with the consequences of your decisions.
  2. Determine ahead of time what you will and will not accept from other people in terms of behavior.  In doing this, you need to fully own who you are.  This includes among other things communication styles, life-style choices, core values, how you define respect and disrespect… to name a few.
  3. Don’t let anyone mistreat you.  And you determine the guidelines of mistreatment – not your employer, nor the government, nor your spouse/significant other, nor the latest self-help guru – you determine it.
  4. I imagine you can add several more guidelines here that are unique to you.
  5. Finally, while these guidelines are utilized by both males and females, the approach to setting and maintaining of these guidelines will vary depending on who you are.

When someone crosses these guidelines, (and in essence disrespects or mistreats you) it is important that you communicate with them that they have crossed the line.  How you do that is up to you – you must be clear, honest, and forthright in your communication.  You could let them know that their behavior is not acceptable, and that they can either stop exhibiting this behavior, or you will remove yourself from the situation.  I know – this directness kind of takes the breath away.  But I’m honestly not sure why, because this statement can be delivered with kindness in both your voice and demeanor, and yet firmness, with loving respect for both yourself and the other person.

All this being said, when pulling others into your reality, it works best when people want to be included because of who you are – successful, kind, gracious, magnetic, loving (you fill in the blank here) – whoever you are in life as you are going about fulfilling your life work and destiny.

Remember our conversation from October about being the dominant force in your life, defined as you feel good, strong, decisive, and trustworthy, which allows you to make excellent decisions, protect yourself, thereby enabling others to trust you.  From this place now, embrace the world around you as if it is your party.  When you host a party you feel good – ready for fun, you are confident, and you are both assertive and proactive.  Not only are you in charge, but you take the initiative – you guide conversations, helping everyone feel welcome, bringing people together… are warm and hospitable… you get the picture.  And from that place, everyone is drawn into your reality.

MY INVITATION TO YOU

This month as we enter the holiday season, I’m inviting you to go out into the world, with new eyes, healthy boundaries, a new awareness for what is acceptable behavior and how you want to be treated, and invite others into your reality, as the host.  I would love to hear from you about the difference this makes in your life.  People are really missing genuine warmth and connection.
I am holding you in my heart.

Locus of Control Series: Part 4 – Taking Control of Your Life

Creating Your Reality

We are resuming this newsletter from last month, continuing the Locus of Control discussion – Internal and External – and how that affects you.

For a quick overview, when you operate from the Internal Locus, you are taking complete control of your life.  Note: this does not mean the life of anyone else!  This means you work with yourself only and don’t try to change others – you have no rules for other people in relationships – just your own healthy boundaries.  You only control what is controllable – yourself, your emotions, your time, money, energy, your health (to a certain degree), etc.   And, you don’t waste your time or your energy in trying to control or change events outside of your influence.

Last month we covered more in depth:

  1. The Difference Between Rules and Standards and the importance of having guidelines that you follow, which of course, are not imposed on others
  2. Who is in Charge in Your Life – Dominance and Control, with the focus on you being the constructive, affirming dominant energy in your life, which has nothing to do with hurting or controlling those around you or with hurting yourself.  And we dove deeper specifically into how women fully embracing their feminine energy would apply Dominance and Control in their lives
  3. The importance of what our mind is thinking – positive or negative, and the impact that has on us.  A great quote that captures this is from Maxell Maltz, Psycho-Cybernetics “You act and feel, not according to what things are really like, but according to the image your mind holds of what they are like.  You have certain mental images of yourself, your world, and the people around you, and you behave as though these images were the truth, the reality, rather than the things they represent.”

This month we are looking at…

CREATING YOUR REALITY

We are required to acknowledge (when we are truly honest with ourselves) that we are always an instrument in creating our reality.  To what degree is this true?  Actually, I find it is always true.  How much we want to believe it is true is what is in question for many people, and that depends on you and the degree to which you are you willing to own your own thoughts and actions as being the directing force of your life!  It ultimately all comes down to how much actual influence you want to have in your life.  Its all up to you!

Interested in knowing more about how to create your own reality, or more of the actual reality you desire in today’s chaotic world?  There are 7 keys to creating your reality.

The 7 Keys To Creating Your Reality

1st Key: The 3 Steps.

First, you have to start by identifying your thoughts, and distinguish between the positive and the negative ones – in other words, which thoughts are supportive in moving you towards what is most important to you, and which thoughts are actually detrimental, or undermining you.  With this awareness, you also must scrutinize all dogmas and ideologies that are negative or counterproductive that could be holding you back in your life.

Second, you must constantly be actively self-motivated with positive self-talk.  And yes, some days this can require affirmations!  Try it – it works.

Third, applied consistently you will create your own sustainable and positive reality.

Now let’s talk about what to be aware of and how to apply these three steps in your life.

2nd Key: The Power of Your Mind and Thoughts.

You must be conscious that your mind is constantly thinking – at least until you learn how to harness and quiet it.  Most people in our western culture have no idea how to quiet their minds, and thus are controlled by their mind.  One of the earliest life-changing teachings in the Modern Mystery School is the Max Meditation™ technique for quieting the mind.  Please contact me if you want introduction or assistance with this amazing tool.  It really works and is easy to learn and use.

One of the challenges of the over-active mind is that it produces thoughts that result in feelings and emotions.  When we learn how to harness the mind and control the thoughts, we then have the ability to actually direct our actions.  As well, when we are aware and can actually choose the thoughts that we focus on, we can directly affect how we feel emotionally.  No person, event, or thing can make us feel any certain way.  We allow that – whether consciously or unconsciously.  As we take control of our self-talk, we create a more positive self-image and self-belief.

 Over the past 22 months especially, we have all been inundated with bad news.  Although it’s a knee-jerk reaction to become increasingly pessimistic, we are well-advised to remain positive and upbeat despite all the unfortunate circumstances we have been and continue to be faced with.  Only a positive mindset will give us the control we are seeking in our lives.  This is because when we let external factors control our thoughts and feelings, we have joined the matrix of most people, and are now operating from the external locus of control.  It is up to each of us to be honest with ourselves, and in that truthfulness, to put a positive spin on each negative situation we encounter!

3rd Key: Fulfilling Your Destiny – Living Large – Expanding Your Comfort Zone

Those of you who have been with me for a while know that I am a big proponent of fulfilling your destiny…  living life large…  expanding your comfort zone…  sailing your ship into the high seas of life…  vs. living your life in the safety of the harbor….  Whenever you are living your life fully, it is important to pay close attention to your self-talk and focus on what you are hearing and feeling.  Is your conversation empowering and positive, or is there doubt, negativity, pessimism, perhaps some disempowerment, or counter-productiveness?  If you find any of this, then you must immediately make a conscious decision that these thoughts are not serving you and know that if you have the power to think them, then you also have the power to stop thinking them!

The empowerment lies in hearing and recognizing your own self-talk for what it is and simply and immediately replacing any negative, limiting beliefs and thoughts with positive and uplifting statements, affirmations, and beliefs.

Never have I found a more effective tool for immediately stopping the mind from running a negative belief pattern once you become aware it is running, than the Prayer of Protection, which is handed down in the Empower Thyself Class.  Please contact me if you would like more information about this, how to use it, or a refresher on it.

4th Key: Reframing and Finding the Silver Lining.

For every negative thought you find yourself having, I encourage you to give it a positive spin, and always require yourself to find a positive way to view things.  I know – it can really be challenging sometimes to find the proverbial silver lining – and it’s well worth the effort.  It’s all about finding what we can be positive about and grateful for.  Sometimes – it’s the reality of a “bullet dodged”!  Being thankful is the quickest way through most doubt, fear, and the resulting anger.  My 12 Step friends refer to this as “An Attitude of Gratitude”.

5th Key: Investigate the Root of Your Negativity Sources

In all of this conversation about our negative thoughts, it is important to take a hard look at what the other sources are to our negativity, and removing them from our life wherever possible.  Sometimes it’s as simple as certain movies or TV shows, or specific kinds of music, or even the news channels you are listening to.  Be watchful of all negativity that you are exposing yourself to as it will directly influence/infect both your personal as well as your world view.

And of course, even though it can be difficult to manage, we must be watchful of the level of negativity in the people we are around.  This seems to be increasing by the week, as everyone deals with the far-reaching reality of Covid in today’s world.  Negative people want consensus with their particular level of thinking and emotional state – depending on their level of negativity it can be toxic.  You must not allow their negative influence to chip away at your positive, healthy, mindset.

I could not find the source of this quote, nevertheless, it is relevant:
“Ships don’t sink because of the water around them; ships sink because of the water that gets into them.  Don’t let what’s happening around you get inside you, and weigh you down.”  —Unknown
Never has this been more applicable than it is today.

6th Key: Living in The Now

To stay positive, you have to live in the now – not the past.  When you keep remembering negativity from the past, it brings up the negative thought patterns associated with the experience.  This is where ‘forgive, and don’t forget, so that you don’t repeat’ becomes the best possible advice.

Everyone makes mistakes – it’s part of living life large… part of sailing your ship in the deep water and high seas.  These mistakes must not be allowed to actively affect your future other than learning from them, forgiving yourself for making them, perhaps even expressing gratitude for what you learned from them, and moving on!  Your past does not define you or your future unless you let it!

7th Key: Positive Reinforcement

I’ve said it before and I’m going to say it again…. Talk to yourself with positive reinforcements about who you are.  All the studies show that self-affirmation and the use of positive language will not just boost your moral, it will also enhance your overall health, reduce stress, and of course, exponentially increase the positive energy in your life.  Your positive self-affirmations are what bring you directly to the tangible results that you are looking for.

One of my own favorite self-affirmations that I do regularly is “I am a healthy, thriving, beautiful sigma alpha female, and I am comfortable in my own skin.  I achieve whatever I set my mind to.  I control what is controllable, and whatever happens, I handle with grace and ease.”  As I say this, I visualize it happening in alignment with my life purpose.

Even though self-affirmations and mantras may sound outdated, or silly, they work.  If you have not done them recently, I would like to invite you to re-start them today, and reap immediate benefits.

We will work more on this next week during the Zoom call, where I will give you tips, and some time for you to come up with your own, new affirmations.  For now though, make sure the affirmations you are using start with “I am…”, and are stated in the present tense.  And also, please make sure you are acknowledging yourself for what you are doing well and are good at!  What we focus on, expands.

MY INVITATION TO YOU

This month as we enter the holiday season, I’m inviting you to go out into the world and live these seven keys:

  1. Follow the 3 Steps
  2. Stay conscious of what your mind is thinking and keep it positive
  3. Pay close attention to your self talk as you live life large
  4. Identify negative thoughts as they arise, release and find the silver lining – focusing on what you can be grateful for
  5. Investigate the negativity around you and minimize it
  6. Live in the now
  7. Use personalized positive self-affirmations

ZOOM MEETING NEXT WEEK – WEDNESDAY NOVEMBER 10

In the meantime – if you are interested in a more in-depth/expanded conversation about Internal and External Locus of Control as covered in this newsletter series, specifically

  • The 7 Keys to Creating Your Reality

please join me for a live Zoom call next week Wednesday, November 10, 6:30-8pm PST.  We will review the key points of this newsletter and dive deeper into the conversation.

And if there are specific questions you would like me to address, please send them to me at verlawade@gmail.com by Tuesday evening, November 9, 2021.

I am holding you in my heart.

Verla Wade –
The Living Light Foundation

 

Locus of Control Series – Part 3: Taking Control of Your Life

Rules vs. Standards & Who’s In Charge?

We are resuming this newsletter from last month, continuing the Locus of Control discussion – Internal and External – and how that affects you.

For a quick overview, when you are operating from the Internal Locus, you are taking complete control of your life.  Note: this does not mean the life of anyone else!  This means you work with yourself only and don’t try to change others – have no rules for other people in relationships – just your own healthy boundaries.  You only control what is controllable – yourself, your emotions, your time, money, energy, your health (to a certain degree), etc.   And, you don’t waste your time or your energy in trying to control or change events outside of your influence.

To start taking responsibility for yourself and developing the Internal Locus of Control there are three necessary steps, which we covered last month:

  1. Take Responsibility – Stop Blaming Others
  2. Take Action – Stop Making Excuses
  3. Frame Life Events as Constructive and Positive – you set your own conditions and definitions to the events of each day

This month we are moving our focus to:

  1. The Difference Between Rules and Standards
  2. Dominance and Control In Your Life

Rules vs. Standards

In the two previous newsletters I mentioned the importance of controlling ourselves and not others, and I want to expand on this now a bit more.  When we look at the concept of a rule, we discover that it is a regulation that comes from an external source.  A law is a great example of a rule.  For instance, the laws governing stop signs and traffic lights are external and directly govern our behavior for the good of all.  But many people are so comfortable with rules that they like to set all manner of rules for their friends, families, spouses, etc., to govern other people’s behavior, from an outside source – theirs.  I don’t advise creating rules for other adults to follow – that’s an ineffective strategy that will almost always result in your disappointment.

I can almost hear you now asking me the question – “but what about boundaries – healthy boundaries”?  You see, boundaries are not really about other people and they are not rules, they are standards – your standards about you and how you want to be treated.  They are your regulations that are sourced from you, internally!  Let’s say you are like me and value integrity.  So then it follows that you do not accept the behavior of someone who repeatedly doesn’t honor their word with you.

The significant difference between rules and standards is that rules govern us from the outside world and standards come from within each of us.  In personal relationships rules can and often do create incredible damage to peace and longevity.  Whereas healthy high standards will only improve your life and assist you in becoming the best possible version of yourself.  This is because healthy high standards align you with your core values, which ultimately produce joy and fulfillment for you and in your life.

To go back to our example of integrity and someone keeping their word, you cannot, nor should you, put any rules on anyone else.  And, using our example of integrity, because you have standards when it comes to integrity and the people around you, you would not have people close to you who do not honor their word with you, unless there is a very good reason – which would be the exception, nor the norm.

When someone doesn’t keep their word, it doesn’t mean you punish them in any way.  After you have clearly and kindly told them what your standards are, and they are aware of them, you simply remove yourself from the situation and the person who isn’t able to meet them.

When someone is not able to meet your standards, it means that you are simply not compatible.  Lowering your personal standards would mean that you deviate from your personal values, which in the end will not help you achieve true joy or fulfilment.

Dominance and Control In Your Life – Who’s In Charge?

This is a topic that I am approaching with extreme caution.  First let me say that as mature healthy adults, we are all meant to be dominant and in control of our own lives – not dominant of or in control of others.  Dominance and in control of yourself is the key to becoming actualized.  I know that dominance often has a less than constructive connotation.  But I want you to set that old paradigm aside and start considering what could happen for the good in your life if you become the positive dominant factor in your life – speaking up for yourself – respecting yourself – loving yourself – not giving up on yourself – honoring yourself….  Get the idea of what I am talking about?

I am using dominance here as a constructive, affirming energy in your life, that has nothing to do with hurting or controlling those around you nor with hurting yourself.  Instead, it is about creating trustworthiness – in trusting yourself so that others can trust in you.

When you are the dominant force in your own life, you feel good, strong, decisive, and trustworthy, which allows you to make excellent decisions and protect yourself.  You are in charge of yourself and your life, get your needs met in healthy and constructive ways (not at the expense of others), and you say “No” when situations require it.  Being self-dominant removes the influence from those who would take advantage of your time, money, or energy.

I want to take a moment now to speak directly to the feminine energy in women.  As women, when we look at being the healthy self-dominant force in our lives, it does not mean we become less feminine.  In fact, we have to find and embrace the feminine energy flow within and use this strong receptive creative energy to be in control of our own lives.  The best analogy is on a flight, we must place the oxygen mask on ourself first.  We don’t do that because we are selfish…, or because we are self-serving…, or because we’ve earned it…, or because we deserve it…, or because we’re better than…, rather we do it so that we can be of the best possible service without compromise.  Even tho this example is taken from an emergency situation, really we should be following this protocol with everything in our lives.  It only becomes self-evident in a crisis situation that this is the necessary order of operation.

And here, I invite women to utilize their uniquely feminine energy to become healthfully self-dominant, taking care of ourselves first, in the way that only we can, for the appropriate reasons, and not emulating the masculine in accomplishing this.  Doing this effectively will have everything to do with the intuitive creative feminine energy and very little to do with the logical masculine approach.  Hope this makes sense.  We can explore this further if you would like on the live Zoom conversation.

To become truly self-dominant, you simply take hold of your reality, and control it as you see fit and then invite others into your reality.  Most people are quite unaware of the power their thoughts have and go about their life on “auto-pilot”, constantly being pulled into the reality of others.  This is where the Life Activation and Empower Thyself Class and Initiation can be so helpful, both in helping you to understand how the mind works, effectively setting new patterns, and using the energy of the Light to source the actualization of your life work.

Reality – whatever we believe as reality – actually exists in our own mind.  Our mind is so much more powerful than most of us are aware.  As such, it has a huge impact on our attitudes, opinions, perceptions, beliefs, behaviors, feelings, emotions, and most importantly on our actions.  Psychological research has validated this now for decades, and metaphysics has been teaching this for thousands of years – our lives are the result of our beliefs.

The programming starts from the moment we are born.  We are either directly or indirectly taught what we can and cannot do, say and even think.  What to like and not like, who and what to accept as well as who and what to be afraid of, who and how to love, etc.  And because of this, as we mature, we make choices and decisions based almost entirely on someone else’s dogmas, without ever genuinely questioning them.  And so much of these mindsets that we accept as truth/fact are actually misinformation, if not (although unintentionally) unproductive and downright harmful.  Some of us, as we mature, begin to realize that not everything is as we were led to believe, and the strategies, doctrines and teachings don’t work as promised.  In fact, many of them actually are holding us back in life.  They often sound like this:

  • S/he is out of my league
  • I can’t get that position
  • I’m not smart/good enough
  • I can’t do it or I could never _________
  • Money is bad
  • People can’t be trusted
  • People like me don’t do that
  • I don’t have a choice
  • Life isn’t fair
  • My father tried that and failed
  • Etc.

It’s important to take a good hard look at the foundations you have based your life on to ensure that each of them truly supports you in actualizing your life purpose, and are not the result simply of the conclusions you’ve arrived at based on information that has been passed on to you by well-meaning but otherwise misinformed people.  In order to do this, though, you have to be constantly challenging, re-evaluating, and re-assessing your current personal beliefs and results.

As mature adults, we must give ourselves the permission to uncover and see the harmful, counterproductive, and negative belief structures, residing just below the surface of our consciousness, that are in control of our thoughts.  If we don’t do this, we will never be able to truly self-dominate and control our own reality and invite others into our reality.

This type of honesty happens one step at a time, and is never gained by being hard on ourselves or by making ourselves wrong.

Next month we will continue this conversation and cover:

  1. Creating Your Reality
  2. Living In Your Reality
  3. Inviting Others Into Your Reality

In the meantime – if you are interested in a more in-depth/expanded conversation about Internal and External Locus of Control as covered in this newsletter series, specifically the Difference Between Rules and Standards and Taking Dominance and Control in Your Life, please join me for a live Zoom call next week Wednesday, October 6, 6:30-8pm.  We will review the key points of this newsletter and dive deeper into the conversation.

Register here.

And if there are specific questions you would like me to address, please send them to me at verlawade@gmail.com by Tuesday evening, October 5, 2021.

I am holding you in my heart.

Locus of Control Series – Part 2: Taking Control of Your Life

How to Develop A Reliable Internal Locus Of Control

We are resuming this newsletter from last month, continuing the Locus of Control discussion – Internal and External – and how that affects you.For a quick overview, when you are operating from the Internal Locus, you are in total and utter control of your life.  Note: this does not mean the life of anyone else!  This means you work with yourself only and don’t try to change others – no rules for other people in relationships – just your own healthy boundaries.  You only control what is controllable – yourself, your emotions, your time, money, energy, your health (to a certain degree), etc.  You don’t waste your time or your energy in trying to control or change events outside of your influence.

In this conversation it is essential to state that you must never blame yourself for any result.  No one will ever be right all the time – mistakes happen, especially when you are living large enough.  As you take control of your life with the Internal Locus, you will for sure make mistakes, some bad decisions, etc.  And you will get some bad results – it’s guaranteed!  So relax, and get over trying to do everything perfectly – instead, be watchful and do as much as possible with excellence.

Even when your past decisions and actions have not been right (or smart, or perhaps even wise), it is imperative that you understand that you have always done the best you could do, given who you were in that particular moment in time.  You must give yourself the benefit of the doubt, forgive yourself, take responsibility, and move on – without blame.

When you realize you have made a mistake, take it as an opportunity to learn, refine, and redirect  – and don’t dwell on it.  Your destiny is always in your hands when you have the Internal Locus of Control, because by its very nature, it forces you to look inside and make changes from within in order to achieve your desired outcome.

To start taking responsibility for yourself and developing the Internal Locus of Control there are three necessary steps

  1. Take Responsibility – Stop Blaming Others
  2. Take Action – Stop Making Excuses
  3. Frame Life Events as Constructive and Positive
 Take Responsibility – Stop Blaming Others

From the start, you must understand that you are responsible and take responsibility for what happens to you.  This means you stop blaming other people, places, and things, because this blame ultimately imprisons you in the victim stance.  When you see an area of your life where the L of C (Locus of Control) is not 100% internal, then begin by taking responsibility.  Remember though, no blame, and certainly no guilt.  No harshness is allowed as you take responsibility.  It is as simple as getting out of the passenger seat and into the driver’s seat of your life in each specific situation.  When you are blaming others you are essentially a back-seat driver in your own vehicle of life!

Take Action If It Needs to Be Done – Stop Making Excuses

Once you take responsibility you must keep going – more is required – do not stop.  Now positive, forward-moving, constructive action is called for.  What people with external L of C most often do here though is complain, blame, and make excuses.  It is imperative that you monitor your thoughts and words and catch yourself if you start complaining – especially in your mind.  Stop now!  No more reasons or excuses.  What is, is.  Again, there is no fault or blame here, just the current reality.  And in this positive mindset, if something needs attending to, do it!  This is your life, so don’t wait around for someone else to magickally make it happen for you.

Frame Your Life Events as Constructive/Inspiring

The final step is to give an empowered meaning to everything that happens in your life, and then take action.  Successful people are self-sufficient and enterprising – especially those who have worked their way up from the ‘ground floor’.  They started with a compelling vision/goal about what they wanted to achieve, and took full responsibility for their life, even when there was no guarantee.  This requires courage and the willingness to invest in yourself and your dreams.  What they have in common is that they are able to create a stepladder of positive and empowered meanings, and therefore able to change the direction of their life.

Now it’s up to each of us – up to you – to do the following:

  • Take back control in the areas of your life where you have given it up, and
  • Write/rewrite a constructive, empowering, inspiring, and positive meaning to all your events,
  • Make the right decisions, and
  • Take the necessary actions to achieve the results you desire

If you are wondering where to start, here are a few questions you can ask yourself:

  1. Where in my life am I still a victim (of my life, i.e. complaining, or blaming), and where am I a victor?
  2. Where in my life do things (or what circumstances cause things to) happen to me, and where do I make things happen?
  3. Where in my life am I still at the effect of my actions and where in my life am I the cause of my actions?

The first section of each of the three questions above are the areas where you still are dealing with a degree of External L of C – you are not fully empowered.

As you look at this for yourself this month, I’d like to share this quote from Charlie Wardle: “A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking because its trust is not on the branch, but on its own wings.”  In other words, empowerment is never about blame, its about taking personal responsibility.  And of course, if any of this sounds ‘vaguely familiar’ to those of you who are Initiates and Kabbalists with the Modern Mystery School, IT IS!  We are just using more current concepts to explain the ancient, time-proven Hermetic and Kabbalistic principles!

Next month’s newsletter will continue to look at where the Locus of Control is in our life and we will talk about

  1. The Difference Between Rules and Standards
  2. Creating Your Reality
  3. Living In Your Reality

 

I am holding you in my heart.

Take Control in Your Life: Where is Your Locus of Control?

 

I currently hear many people reflecting in the past 18 months that they feel a significant loss of control in their lives.  And even though the world seems to be settling rapidly into a ‘new normal’, there remains for many of us a small nagging feeling (or maybe not so small), that we have relinquished things significantly important to us.

We can’t change what is happening in the world – what we can do is embrace and expand our Internal Locus of Control.

We have been taught – even programmed through praise and recognition – to assign a reason or cause to our behaviors and actions.  Psychology refers to this as Attribution Theory, which covers the fact that people give meaning to behavior by explaining causes – both their own and others’.  Locus of Control is a key concept in Attribution Theory, that explains either one interprets events to be due to their own behavior, or due to outside circumstances, influence, or factors.  In other words, within my control and I take responsibility, or outside of my control and, therefore I do not take responsibility.

The average person tends to have an External Locus of Control, where outside forces take charge of their life. These people believe that a good share of their life is a result of chance, fate, luck, or destiny.  This allows them to live as a scapegoat.  Whenever life gets hard, or throws them a curve, something or someone else is the cause of their behavior, or is responsible for their results, or needs to take the blame.

What these External Locus of Control folks really believe is that success is beyond their control, and so they let their environment and circumstances influence them, reacting instead of responding.  Someone else is always to blame – the government, their boss or supervisor, their cultural background, parents, friends, the President/Governor/Mayor, the climate, God, past experiences, current events, the news, etc.  …  Their list is inexhaustible.  The result for them is that they feel powerless, weak, and definitely – not in control.

If you find yourself thinking pessimistically, lacking motivation, not wanting to put extra effort into anything you are not 100% sure you will succeed at, wanting to blame someone or something else for what’s not going as planned, or looking for someone to rescue you, you could be burdened with an External Locus of Control.

People with an External Locus of Control tend to stay safe and shy away from anything where they might make a mistake, so they seldom take risks.  And when they do make a mistake, instead of learning from it, they immediately look to place the blame outside of themselves – on their environment (the weather, etc.), someone else (a parent, or spouse, or co-worker, etc.), or something else (bad traffic, etc.).  This points to their belief that outcomes are dependent primarily on other people, conditions, luck, or even fate.  They also prolong and even avoid making decisions, since they mistakenly believe that when no decision is made, then nothing can go wrong.  Not understanding that ‘no decision’ is a decision!

Succinctly stated, people with an External Locus of Control act like victims – who things just happen to.  Things happen and they react.

Many studies done on Internal and External Locus of Control, underscore that people with Internal Locus of Control tend to lead more successful and fulfilling lives, because they believe their outcomes are based on their actions!  They believe they make things happen.  And so you will find them putting in effort because they believe that the right effort produces success.  For these people, the sky is the limit, and what they set their mind to, is achievable.

Because they can assure themselves, they are self-motivating.  Because they believe that their destiny is in their hands, they are optimistic.  They take full responsibility for their accomplishments, achievements, and successes, as well as their problems and failures.  They have a positive attitude about life’s ups and downs, and explore solutions, knowing there always will be gains and losses. They understand that they are in total control of their life and every result in their life is the result of the decisions they have made and actions they have taken.

Every day they give themselves the best possible chance of thriving vs. surviving – they don’t just sit back and wait to be rescued.

Winners are the people with the Internal Locus of Focus who make things happen.  They know their life is the result of their thoughts and actions.  When they act, things happen.

So coming back around to the opening, humans have a natural tendency to assign meaning to every experience and interaction we have.  It follows that people with an Internal Locus of Control, will assign a significantly different meaning to events than people with an External Locus of Control.

I invite you to take a look at where your locus of control is – internal or external.  Probably if you are reading this newsletter, you have at least some Internal Locus.  And, you may still find yourself being drawn in some areas, some circumstances, to the External Locus of blame or victim.

If you want to have full time, 100% Internal Locus of Control, then you must take responsibility for everything in your life.  Everything!  If you want to change your life or improve yourself, you need to attribute things internally.  You must monitor your thoughts, make your own decisions, and take responsible action, regardless of what happens.

When you are operating from the Internal Locus, you are in total and utter control of your life.  Note: this does not mean the life of anyone else!  This means you work with yourself only and don’t try to change others – no rules for other people in relationships – just your own healthy boundaries.  You only control what is controllable – yourself, your emotions, your time, money, energy, your health (to a certain degree), etc.  You don’t waste your time or your energy in trying to control or change events outside of your control.

In this conversation it is important to state that you must never blame yourself for any result.  No one will ever be right all the time – mistakes happen, especially when you are living large enough.  As you take control of your life with the Internal Locus, you will for sure make mistakes, some bad decisions, etc.  And you will get some bad results – its guaranteed.

Even when your past decisions and actions have not been right, or smart, or wise, it is imperative that you understand that you have always done the best you could do, given who you were at that particular moment in time.  You must give yourself the benefit of the doubt, forgive yourself, take responsibility, and move on – without blame.

When you realize you have made a mistake, take it as a lesson and learn from it – don’t dwell on it.  Your destiny is always in your hands when you have the Internal Locus of Control, because by its very nature, it forces you to look inside and make changes from within in order to achieve your desired outcome.

To start taking responsibility for yourself and developing the Internal Locus of Control there are three necessary steps

  1. Stop making excuses
  2. Stop blaming others
  3. Start giving positive/empowering meaning to events

We will cover this in next month’s Newsletter.

In the meantime – if you are interested in a more in-depth conversation about Internal and External Locus of Control please join me for a live Zoom call next week Wednesday, August 4, 7:30-9pm PDT.  We will review the key points of this newsletter and dive deeper into the conversation.

Registration information and signup is found through Eventbrite. 

And if there are specific questions you would like me to address, please send them to me at verlawade@gmail.com by Tuesday evening, August 3, 2021.

I am holding you in my heart.

Verla Wade
The Living Light Foundation

2021 – Create, Respond, and Adapt In Order to Thrive

I paused writing the monthly newsletter in the new year seeking renewal and inspiration.  As we now approach Spring, so much has transpired for so many.

2021 arrived energetic and productive.  Then the energies started, shall we say, colliding and what ensued provided both challenging and interesting situations and opportunities.  The pressure increased noticeably to constantly support, shore up, and even justify the systems and structures that have been serving us; that appear to have been working (in fact quite well, thank you) for years.  And yet, I experienced being literally compelled to convert many foundational structures that have been supporting me more than adequately for 20 plus years!  I have been intermittently dismayed, stressed and overwhelmed, even sometimes exhilarated, as I endeavored to understand and implement these required changes.

Now, in early March, after considerable reorganization, I realize that I have literally created an upgraded, enhanced, and stronger foundation, to move forward from, which is much more in alignment with who I now am!  These changes and systems have introduced new professionals to support me both personally and professionally; and yes, a few of my favorite go-to people seem thankfully, to be weathering the storm with me.

Sound a bit like preparing for the New Paradigm?  Well yes….; …. of course!

Then why was I, and so many around me who are experiencing the same compelling, even urgent need to restructure, so surprised?  Not sure.  I’ve been “talking the talk”, and “walking the walk”.  Although I now see in retrospect (hindsight is always 20/20), that I’m able to “walk the walk” in fresh, innovative ways with some wonderful new additions at my side.

Up to now, my motto has been Create, Improvise, and Adapt, which like many of you, I’m pretty good at.  Today, this strategy is obsolete and quite frankly, no longer serves us in serving the Light.  We are being called to embrace new ways of being in order to Thrive: Create, Respond and Adapt, in order to Thrive.

I want to unpack this just a bit.

First, we are always creating.  ALWAYS – 24/7.  Given this, it becomes fundamentally important to become conscious of what we are creating and how we are creating it.  This “consciousness thing” is not always easy because it requires two things: being in the now and telling ourselves the truth.  Once we are able to tell ourselves the truth about what we are creating – all of it (not just the good and positive stuff) – then we are ready for the next important step.

Second, respond and adapt.  As we review our results and take ownership for them, we are accurately able to adjust and adapt the next phase of our on-going creation – since we are always creating.  Since we have a realistic measure of our results based on the feedback we are getting, we can now re-align and re-infuse our creation efforts with our true desires.  This just makes sense – getting conscious about creation, and then adjusting and adapting is the fine tuning required to enjoy and embody the results we are seeking.

Finally, the whole purpose of this – the whole purpose of life – is to thrive.  And I mean really thrive – quality of life.  By your standards – not someone else’s.  And especially not based on settling for less because of past “failures”, or starting to live small because you believe you can’t create what you desire.

Just a footnote, none of this is new – it is ancient, true metaphysics, 101.

The important questions to answer today are:
•    How do I define thriving for me?
•    What is the quality of life I seek in my heart of hearts?
•    What structures to I need to change in my life in order to accomplish this?

This is the pressing work for us to master in 2021.  Hope this brief unpacking helps. Covid-19 is still our teacher, and we have the opportunity to learn so much right now at light speed – if we will.

I am looking forward to hearing from you about your process in conscious creation and manifestation of your heart’s desires.

I am holding you in my heart.

A Year in Review – 2020 our Foundation for 2021

This time of year we typically take inventory of the past 12 months.  Both for financial and tax reasons as well as a personal assessment.  As I first contemplated this approaching annual tradition, I was not excited about reviewing 2020.  After all, what is there to review?  C-19?  Lockdown?  So much loss of life – including people we love, lifestyle and life sustainability?  And who wants to review that?

And yet…., I am inviting you to review 2020 because our past and present always provide the foundation for our future.  Here’s the deal, our minds create our thoughts, which create our actions, which in turn create our results and current reality.  While we can’t change what is going on in the world, and we can’t rewind what has happened this year, and we can’t lessen the loss of so much life and of lifestyle that we love, we can acknowledge the loss, grieve where grief is necessary, and then with fresh eyes, take a new look at how we are viewing the past year.  I am encouraging you to join me with new eyes, inviting in a fresh perspective, perhaps changing how we each are viewing 2020.   After all, how we view it today is how we are going to remember it tomorrow.

What do you want your memory to be of 2020?  About the loss and fear that crept in to one degree or another, or about what you learned?  Or the unsuspected opportunities that were provided, and how you have benefitted from your experiences that have strengthened both you and your foundation?

These last few weeks of December provide a pivotal time to put 2020 to rest and welcome in 2021.  It’s up to each of us – we choose.  I choose to embrace 2021 with renewed faith in my heart, and a new commitment to continue to refine, grow and become the best possible version of myself.  Regardless of what is ahead, I know that as I find it within me to approach 2021 with excitement and enthusiasm, that will be reflected back.

I am holding you in my heart.

Wishing you a Holiday Season that is Merry, Bright and filled with Light,

Verla Wade – Guiding Oracle
The Living Light Foundation

Match the Frequency of the Reality You Want

Match the Frequency of the Reality You Want

(Otherwise you receive the frequency of the reality you are at!)

“Everything is energy and that is all there is to it.  Match the frequency of the reality you want and you cannot help but get that reality.” ~ Albert EinsteinIn light of an eventful 2020, I have been contemplating the above statement from Einstein about energy and matching frequency.  I believe it to be profoundly true.  So then, what does it say to us right now as our pivotal year is nearing an end?

I am in the process of presenting for the first time on Zoom a favorite class series that I authored and have taught for many years – Heart-Based Sales and Marketing.  We just completed the 2nd class on Identifying your Ideal Client.  As part of this process, once the participants look at the qualities, traits, values, and behaviors of their Ideal Client, I then ask them to identify where they are not their own Ideal Client!  In other words, where do they not match the frequency of who they want to work with!?!

What a concept right?  And it aligns with Einstein’s statement about energy – match the frequency of the reality you want and you cannot help but get that reality!  Or, paraphrased, the frequency of the reality you are generating, is the reality you are going to get!

‘Match the frequency’ does not mean ‘emulate the frequency’.  Nor does not mean ‘fake the frequency’.  Neither does it mean forge, pretend, mock, or counterfeit the frequency.

‘Match the frequency’ means replicate or reproduce the frequency.  This is not something you can fake.

Here are the Four Pillars to Match Successfully the Frequency of the Reality you Want in your life:

  1. Clean (unpolluted) Will – from which you can harness and set your mind in motion
  2. Solid (firm) Foundation – when you want something new, you need a strong foundation upon which to construct it
  3. Know Thyself (the ancient edict of all true spiritual seekers) – an ability to tell yourself the truth about all aspects of who you are – without any backtalk from the negative ego/shadow self
  4. Clarity of Desire – about what you want and what is most important – also a part of Know Thyself

Here are my suggestions about how to begin this successful implementation for the remainder of 2020, setting the energy of the reality you want to match for 2021:

  1. Life Activation Session – if you are new to the Modern Mystery School this is an excellent place to begin
  2. Resilience Package – if you did not yet partake of this series offered for the first time in August of this year.  It has been getting really great reviews.  Includes: Life Activation, Full Spirit Activation, Hermetic Path Clearing, Blood Healing.
  3. Empower Thyself Class & Initiation – based on the premise that we are Eternal Spiritual Beings Having a Physical Experience, ancient Mystery School teachings are presented about how to be truly successful in the physical life.  In this 2-day class we enter into a deeper conversation about your soul, the Will, building a solid Foundation, Know Thyself, your personal Needs, Wants and Desires, as well as so much more.

I invite you to take a deeper look at the reality you desire in your life, where you may not yet have it, and join me in making the necessary adjustments to match your desired result.  And please, do reach out to me and share your wins as well as any place where you would like some support.  I do enjoy hearing from you.

I am holding you in my heart.

Wishing you a November overflowing with prosperity and gratitude,

Verla Wade – Guiding Oracle
The Living Light Foundation

Do Something Significant in the Last 100 Days of 2020

There are less than 100 days left this year!  It’s time to start thinking about what you want to do with these remaining days of 2020.

When I realized how close we are to the end of the year and how few days are actually left, I started remembering what I have achieved this year, and what I still want to accomplish as the year is coming to a close

2020 has been a huge reset – for all of us.  It has ushered in an unprecedented necessity to relinquish much that we hold dear – and open to new possibilities and new ways of doing things – not because we wanted to, but because we needed to.

Resilience is the word of the year, and with that, I now invite you to look at what you have accomplished this year with your resilience – as you adopted new levels of resilience in areas you never imagined you would need resilience!

Here are some recommended steps:

First: Return to the beginning of 2020 and review your year.  As you do this, acknowledge yourself for all the small and large things that you have done well.

Second: As you review 2020, please notice who you were in January and February, and who you are now!!!  You are different!!!  What are the visions and dreams you had at the beginning of the year?  Knowing what you know now, and who you are now, how can you revitalize and re-visualize your original goals into creation?

Third: After you have acknowledged your successes, it’s time to re-set your vision for the remainder of 2020.
•    What still needs to be done this year that is meaningful to you in your life?
•    What “lights you up” when you think about accomplishing it?
•    What impact – personally or professionally – is yours to make, that perhaps you have been avoiding?

It’s time to embrace the harvest energy of the coming fall months and turn it into productiveness in our lives.

Here are the statistics: 80% of the work gets done in 20% of the time – let’s make this last 20% count!

I am holding you in my heart.

Sending You Love and Light,
Verla Wade – Guiding Oracle