Locus of Control Series – Part 5: Taking Control of Your Life

Your Reality –Living In It and Inviting Others In 

We are resuming this newsletter from last month, continuing the Locus of Control discussion – Internal and External – and how that affects you.

For a quick overview, when you operate from the Internal Locus, you are taking complete control of your life.  Note: this does not mean the life of anyone else!  This means you work with yourself only and don’t try to change others – you have no rules for other people in relationships – just your own healthy boundaries.  You only control what is controllable – yourself, your emotions, your time, money, energy, your health (to a certain degree), etc.   And, you don’t waste your time or your energy in trying to control or change events outside of your influence.

Last month we covered more in depth: Creating Your Reality and the 7 Keys to do this including:

1. Following the 3 Steps

1. Identify your thoughts distinguishing between the positive and negative ones
2. Use positive self-talk to keep yourself constantly self-motivated
3. Apply the 1^st two steps above consistently to create your positive sustainable reality.

2. Stay conscious of what your mind is thinking and keep it positive
3. Pay close attention to your self-talk as you live life large
4. Identify negative thoughts as they arise, release, and find the silver lining – focusing on what you can be grateful for
5. Investigate the negativity around you and minimize it
6. Live in the now
7. Use personalized positive self-affirmations

This month we are looking at:

1. Living in Your Reality
2. Inviting Others Into Your Reality

LIVING IN YOUR REALITY

Living in your reality is not about observing the reality of those around you, accepting it, and then adjusting yourself to fit in.  It is about you creating your own vital unique reality, based on your beliefs and your personal destiny.  Beware: If you don’t create your own desired reality, you will automatically be drawn into the reality of others!

How this works in your favor for example in our current fear/drama driven environment: when someone is being negative, you hold firm to who you are and turn their drama/negativity into something positive, perhaps even light-hearted.  In other words, you turn negative emotions into positive emotions, and then the other person is drawn into your reality.  Revisiting October’s article, this is a whole new flavor on true healthy dominance in your own life.

As we have referenced many times now, successful productive people have an internal locus of control.  They achieve what they set their minds and hearts to, and without a doubt they believe they can do that.  In fact, their hold on their own reality is so strong that it is just not an option to do anything else.  That’s how strong their reality is!

When you have a positive, constructive mindset, you view the world around you differently.  For instance, with this kind of a mindset, when you don’t achieve right away what you are desiring, then you don’t view your results as failures or rejections.  Rather, they are just setbacks that provide the necessary data that needs to be optimized to give you an opportunity to adjust, tweak and improve your approach or technique so that you will be able to enhance your chances of success.  This is how a proactive, healthy mindset works.

INVITING OTHERS INTO YOUR REALITY

There are several things to be aware of when you invite others into your reality.

1^st, people will always test your reality.  Some people view it as a power struggle; I like to view it as healthy structural tension.  Either way, you must have clarity and a firm grip on your own reality.  Generally speaking, the people who challenge it are people who do not have a firm reality of their own, and neither do they understand their life purpose, nor do they have a clear picture of who they are.  And it’s always easier to challenge someone else as the core cause of what’s awry in our own lives, than it is to look at ourselves!

2^nd, you must have healthy boundaries that do not allow people to impinge on your reality or cause you to doubt it.  And then you must be willing to maintain these boundaries, teaching people to respect both you and your boundaries.  You can do this with graceful goodwill, albeit, you have to be firm about this at all times.

Here are a few guidelines for pulling people into your positive reality:

1. Don’t let anyone make decisions for you.  Ever.  You may be wise to consider the opinions of people who you respect.  And, in the end, make all decisions for yourself.  It’s your life and you are the one who in the end lives and deals with the consequences of your decisions.
2. Determine ahead of time what you will and will not accept from other people in terms of behavior.  In doing this, you need to fully own who you are.  This includes among other things communication styles, life-style choices, core values, how you define respect and disrespect… to name a few.
3. Don’t let anyone mistreat you.  And you determine the guidelines of mistreatment – not your employer, nor the government, nor your spouse/significant other, nor the latest self-help guru – you determine it.
4. I imagine you can add several more guidelines here that are unique to you.
5. Finally, while these guidelines are utilized by both males and females, the approach to setting and maintaining of these guidelines will vary depending on who you are.

When someone crosses these guidelines, (and in essence disrespects or mistreats you) it is important that you communicate with them that they have crossed the line.  How you do that is up to you – you must be clear, honest, and forthright in your communication.  You could let them know that their behavior is not acceptable, and that they can either stop exhibiting this behavior, or you will remove yourself from the situation.  I know – this directness kind of takes the breath away.  But I’m honestly not sure why, because this statement can be delivered with kindness in both your voice and demeanor, and yet firmness, with loving respect for both yourself and the other person.

All this being said, when pulling others into your reality, it works best when people want to be included because of who you are – successful, kind, gracious, magnetic, loving (you fill in the blank here) – whoever you are in life as you are going about fulfilling your life work and destiny.

Remember our conversation from October about being the dominant force in your life, defined as you feel good, strong, decisive, and trustworthy, which allows you to make excellent decisions, protect yourself, thereby enabling others to trust you.  From this place now, embrace the world around you as if it is your party.  When you host a party you feel good – ready for fun, you are confident, and you are both assertive and proactive.  Not only are you in charge, but you take the initiative – you guide conversations, helping everyone feel welcome, bringing people together… are warm and hospitable… you get the picture.  And from that place, everyone is drawn into your reality.

MY INVITATION TO YOU

This month as we enter the holiday season, I’m inviting you to go out into the world, with new eyes, healthy boundaries, a new awareness for what is acceptable behavior and how you want to be treated, and invite others into your reality, as the host.  I would love to hear from you about the difference this makes in your life.  People are really missing genuine warmth and connection.
I am holding you in my heart.