Thriving in Spite of Loss
So many changes are happening so fast in our lives right now due to Covid-19. Even as we are beginning the integration back into our world, aware of social distancing, wearing our masks, and making all the protective adjustments to our norm as we understand them, we are looking at the possibility of another resurgence of this virus, and returning to even more isolation.
As you know I have stepped out of my comfort zone (a single, professional business owner) into the world of dating – for the first time in a number of years. This has provided me with both a very steep new learning curve and a rich opportunity for growth, similar to the new learning curve and growth that we are each experiencing with C-19.
I’m learning some new things from my dating experiences. One I would like to elaborate on this week is that of loss. I recently had a fulfilling developing relationship come to an unexpected abrupt end – that I did not see coming. I cannot help but see the similarities between the end of this relationship and what many of us have lost as a result of isolation and the resulting adjustments we are now making in learning to live with this new world-wide virus, which we don’t yet fully understand.
Here is what I have to share with you from this relationship loss.
When we are having a break-up with somebody we tend to focus on “missing the person” vs. missing what the person brought into our life or missing what we enjoyed about the relationship. In recovering my balance, my Middle Pillar, which has taken about a month, I shifted my focus from “I miss this person” to reviewing what he represented in my life, and brought to my life that I was missing. And of course, included in this list were things like companionship, deep communication, spending time with someone with who there is mutual attraction…. You get the picture.
I discovered that when I focused on the specifics of what I missed (vs. the specific person), I soon was able to discern what aspects were about missing the other person and what work I still need to do for myself (to fill in missing pieces). It is so seductive and easy to focus on “missing the person,” and waste a lot of time and energy in that experience vs. really discovering what experiences and qualities they brought to our life that we value and feel incomplete without. Invariably, some of these qualities we can fulfill ourselves, and some do require another person!
Both these pieces of information are equally important. First, I have proceeded to fulfill the qualities and experiences I can on my own. Second, I now have an even better grasp on what it is I am looking for and what really fulfills me – ‘Know Thyself’. And as a result, have been able to further fine-tune the qualities of who I am seeking as a partner – realistically. When I stopped focusing on the man who was gone, and instead focused on all the wonderful things I had experienced in his presence, I started feeling a sense of relief. It’s not about him, because other men can do what he did – can bring to me what he brought. It can be any number of other people.
This is reflective of the unbalanced energy in Malkuth (the vice) – Inertia. When we start to think that it’s only a specific person who can bring us these things to our life, we are dealing with the vice of Malkuth in relationships. We are now stuck in inertia – the aspect of physics reflecting an object in motion stays in motion – and we keep digging into the pain, the loss, the lack, etc. vs. what did I enjoy so much that I am now really missing? This approach to recovering from the loss of someone who you enjoyed puts you back in the driver’s seat, as well as helps you know who you are and what you are seeking at a deeper level.
I decided to share this with you because I feel the same is true about all that we have lost and are losing in the experience of dealing with Covid-19. We are re-emerging into a significantly changed world and environment.
What have you have lost that you value? For example, I really miss the experience of dining out, the experience of shopping and browsing at my favorite stores – seeing in person what is new (vs. purchasing on line), the experience of feeling safe and free to meet new people – either as clients or as dates – and welcome them into my sphere. Applying what I learned from my recent dating experience, I have to ask myself, what is underlying the physical experience I am missing? What are the benefits and qualities that these missing experiences bring to my life? Once you start to identify the absent benefits and qualities, you can now begin to identify creative ways of fulfilling them in your life.
And therein lies the answer to regaining balance, equilibrium and peace of mind – the Middle Pillar – in your life as we learn to live with this pandemic. It is the difference between surviving and thriving. This is a worthwhile endeavor that will guarantee a new level of Know Thyself, and result in creating new, innovative ways to ensure your needs and desires are fulfilled.
I am holding you in my heart.
Verla Wade & The Living Light Foundation
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